No Problems, No Past, No Pressure, No Damage

Hmm... had to spend sometime with my "imaginary friend." Strolled around to check out something.. and it just hit me. I'm sick and down with coughs and a slight fever... but I'm not miserable. Was I that "sad" during the past two years? I wonder... And then my "imaginary friend" whispers something to me.. saying.. "did you know that when you clench your hand, its size is equivalent or the appproximate size of your heart?" And then I went silent for a while....

There was a sudden rush to the head and then I went thinking... I never realized I had such a small heart. Maybe that explains the short breaths I had. Or why I could be such a cry baby sometimes. And then tears rolled down my face. There was a sharp pain inside me that has not been totally "resolved." Then I had the urge to fight it out telling myself..over and over again, that I am not going back there!

And then my "imaginary friend" asks me what scares me... why was I trembling while thinking about the things that went thru my head. And then it stops. I go.. and then I whisper back...there are things that nobody else should know about me. You can't imagine how I was way back then. I was "suicide". I was a wreck. I was like the lightbringer that had been burning up after my wings were cut off from me. I was... hell. My heart stops... And I stare aimlessly. I just realized that I was stronger now. And currently am in a better place. I was walking around without even thinking where to go next. But I was happy. My threshold to pain was greater than it was years back. No problems, no past, no pressure, no damage... And though my heart IS small... and even if I die young... I'll die being happy with the kind of liberation I have for myself. And then I realized....

I wasn't talking to an imaginary friend. No one was there...